


Bubble Boy

by QueensJenn



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Gen, Humour, h/c, just read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:13:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2477696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueensJenn/pseuds/QueensJenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bård Ylvisåker is always sick. There's only one solution. He just won't like it.</p><p>Neither will anyone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bubble Boy

Bård sat nervously in the doctor’s office, fiddling with the hem of the thin gown. He coughed and wiped his nose on the sleeve and hoped that no one noticed. The doctor walked in, looking very grim.

“Mr. Ylvisåker,” he said. “I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

“What is it?” Bård asked, feeling his heart racing. He sneezed into his scarf, then blew his nose.

“I’m afraid you’re just sick too much,” the doctor said. “It’s not good for you. You’re going to die.”

“I’m going to die?” Bård squeaked, even squeakier than usual because he didn’t have much of a voice left.

“Yes. Unless…drastic measures can be taken.”

“What measures, doctor? Tell me, I’ll do anything!”

“Well, okay…but you’re not going to like it…”

~~~

Later that day at the IKMY studio, Vegard was waiting impatiently for his little brother so they could begin work. He knew Bård had had a doctor’s appointment earlier in the day to find out why he was so sick all the time, but that had been hours ago and he should be finished by now. 

Just then the door banged open. Vegard looked up in surprise.

“Don’t laugh,” Bård said. His voice sounded muffled behind the plastic screen. He shuffled into the studio.

“Bård…” Vegard said. “Why are you in a bubble?”

“It’s the only way,” Bård said sadly. “I have to live in a germ-proof bubble from now on, or I’ll die.”

Vegard opened his mouth, then closed it. Several hundred things passed through his mind, such as _how do you go to the bathroom,_ and _now how will we do it?_ But wisely he chose not to say any of them. 

“Well,” he said at last. “Let’s get to work…”

Two hours later, they were hard at work, producing several new sketches and openings for the new season of IKMY. Bård was confident, sort of, that he would be able to continue hosting the show despite being encased in an enormous hamster ball. 

“Vegard,” Bård whined after awhile. “I’m hungry. Go get me a banana.”

“Get it yourself,” Vegard replied, hard at work trying to figure out how to word an email to a network rep asking for permission for Calle to bathe naked in a public fountain in the middle of Oslo.

“But Vegaaaaaaard,” Bård whined again.

“What?”

“I’m in a bubble.”

“I can see that.”

“I could die at any minute, Vegard,” Bård said sadly. “You should be nicer to me. You’ll wish you had when I’m dead.”

Vegard stared at him. Thought about what it must be like to live in a plastic germ-proof bubble. He got up and crossed the room to the fruit bowl and got a banana. He placed it in Bård’s plastic-gloved hand. “There. Happy now?”

Bård pouted. “But how am I supposed to eat it?”

“I’m sure I have no idea.” He tried to turn back to his computer but he could feel Bård’s blue eyes boring into his back.

“Vegaaaaard,” Bård whined again in a low voice.

Vegard sighed and got up. He painstakingly chopped the banana into several little pieces and mashed them through the grill in the front of the bubble suit. 

~~~

Despite what you might think, the bubble never held back Bård Ylvisåker. No, quite the opposite. Being the ever resourceful man, he quickly figured out the advantages of being in a bubble. Sure, he couldn’t eat solid food or have sex, but on the other hand, he was never sick anymore and besides, _no one could say no to a guy in a bubble suit._

Just that morning alone he had convinced Vegard to go get him some coffee, Calle to change the channels on the TV for him thirteen times, Magnus to blend up some pizza for him, and even the guy at the banana stand that morning had given him an extra bunch for free. 

Sure there were some trade-offs. But life was good.

~~~

Deep underground, in the very bowels of the Concorde TV offices, there was a secret room, used for secret meetings of shadowy councils.

(Even though the door said “Boiler room” on it. That was just a clever ruse.)

“Something must be done,” the lead shadowy councillor intoned. “Our lives hang in the balance.”

“Ever since he got that suit,” the second shadowy councillor said. “He’s been insufferable. Well, more insufferable than usual. God he’s such a _dick!_ ”

“You can’t call a guy in a bubble suit a dick!” protested the third shadowy councillor, who’s head just barely grazed the ceiling. “Shame on you!”

“No, no, he’s right,” said First. “Something must be done.”

“You said that already,” said Third.

“Something _must_ be done,” agreed Second. “Bård Ylvisåker must die.”

Silence in the little room.

First coughed nervously. “Does he…well he doesn’t really need to _die,_ does he? I mean, that’s a little strong…”

“Do you really want to be his slave for the rest of your life? He’s going to outlive us all in that suit!”

First considered it, then shuddered. “No, you’re right,” he conceded. “As much as I hate to say it…”

“But Vegard!” Third said, clearly distressed. “I mean, My Lord! We can’t just kill him, we’ll go to jail!”

“Hmmm,” Vegard — I mean, the First Shadowy Councillor said. “That’s true…then it seems…we must… _teach him a lesson._ ”

~~~

Bård stood at the top of the hill. The sun was shining and there was a lovely breeze. He couldn’t feel it of course, but Vegard and Calle had practically carried him up the hill, so that made up for it.

“What a great day to be filming a sketch,” he smiled happily. “So what did you guys have in mind? I hope I get to do something cool!”

“Oh, you do,” Vegard said with a smile. “Very cool.”

“That’s good. Because that would suck if it was you. No one would want to watch that. I mean, dark matter vs bubble suit, there’s no comparison. Hey, maybe you should stand _behind_ the camera!”

“Hmm, maybe I should,” Vegard said mildly, but there was a glint in his eye.

Suddenly Bård looked around. He realized something: there were no cameras. There was no boom mike. There were no crew members. All there were was him, Vegard, Calle and Magnus, standing at the top of a hill in a deserted area.

“H-hey guys,” Bård said nervously. “Are you using the GoPros today or something? Just what is this sketch about anyway?”

“It’s called ‘You’re an Insufferable Dick’” Vegard said, reaching out.

“Hey! You can’t call a guy in a bubble suit a diiiiAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Bård screamed as he bounced down the hill. He rolled and rolled, hitting trees and flying over small streams and crushing a fox or two on the way.

Finally, he landed at the bottom with a huge CRACK. The bubble had broken open.

Bård stood up, feeling the wind on his face and the sun on his skin for the first time in a month. Birds were singing and there was music in the air, as well as the aroma of fresh pizza.

“I’M FREE!” he screamed, jumping out of the bubble. “I’m free I’m free I’m not sick anymore!”

He ran away from the bubble and into a field of sunflowers, shedding his clothes and frolicking happily.

Then he caught a cold, strep throat, influenza, flesh-eating bacteria, ebola virus, and bubonic plague and died.

 

THE END. 

 


End file.
